_________________________________

13 - AN: Thangorodrim is the cliff Maedhros was hung up on, it’s the three towering peaks above Angband’s gates - and yes I triple checked. - And YES I am aware that due to canon that Gondolin would be hidden now, and Turgon not venture out. But heed the freaking AU warning: P

Betaed by; Aearwen ó Romendor

__________________________________________________

Chapter 13 - I am the high you can't sustain (R/n17)

Maedhros sighed, holding on to a rein with his damn wooden hand was harder than he had thought. If they were attacked he would be poorly off, not being able to hold on to the rein and his sword at the same time. How fitting for a high king who cannot defend himself! Sometimes he wished that Finrod had just left him on Thangorodrim to die. He was shaken from his musings when Maglor’s voice distracted him. “Is all well brother?” he asked softly, but looking very worried.

“Aye, as well as I can be” Maedhros answered and smiled a little awkward smile. “I just worry about mother and Pitya” he said, it was a white lie, indeed, for they had an entire army to look after them. But he worried about Amrod’s well being. The young elf had become more and more reserved, when he had asked Amras if Amrod had been angry with him that he was to ride and Pitya was to stay. Amras had told him that Amrod had not even addressed the matter, this Maedhros found most strange, but had decided to let matters rest.

“The guards at the fortress were sworn in oath to father, they will not rebel or harm them” Maglor said, thinking he could read his brothers torment.

“Yes, you are right. I worry too much” Maedhros said, dismissing his brother.

But Maglor was not that easy to get rig of. “It is this, isn't not?” he looked at Maedhros wooden hand “You are worried what they will all think, that they will find you lesser because of your misfortune.”

Maedhros turned his head for the first time and looked directly into his brothers steel blue eyes “I still do have my life, do I not? How can that be unfortunately?”

Maglor nodded, hearing the boiling anger in his brother’s voice, and he decided to leave these matters rest. “Aye, most fortunate” he said and bowed his head before he slowed his horse down, to fall behind his elder brother.

Maglor was right, way too right. He was dying inside. He did not want to show them, that he was not what he used to be. This wooden device made him feel weak and foolish. Who would want a high king who seemed weak? The red haired elf starred off into the horizon, frowning at his own line of thoughts, and for the billionth time that day wished, he had had the courage to have overruled his mother's wish join this party. And who, who would want a lover that was not complete?

Maedhros could feel his heart beat faster and tears prick in the corners of his eyes. He didn’t want to see Fingon; he didn’t want to be reminded of the promises that once were whispered. For a second he wondered if he would have the courage to wear Fingon’s ring: It would have been in the hand, he no longer had. Many were the times when they had lain in bed and pretended that they could wear those rings, and many were the times when Fingon had slid the ring unto Maedhros ring finger. The ring finger that was now nothing but dust.

Maedhros turned his head and looked over his shoulder. A vague smile came to his lips as he saw Maglor and Maeglin ride next to each other. Maglor slightly turned in the saddle to hear what it was that their dark cousin was saying. It might seem harmless to all others, but Maedhros recognized the look his brother had in his eyes. It reminded him so much on himself. He smiled in his mind as Maglor laughed softly at something when Maeglin had leaned over and whispered to him. Just as much as he rejoiced for his brother, did his sense of foreboding darken his heart.

________

They had camped, and much time had been used on making the tents withstand the winds that blew here. Maedhros had felt terrible that he had just been able to sit on a wooden log and watch, as the others were rising what seemed like a city of tents. He looked as his own tent was raised first, remembering that tent. It was the same that he had used in battle, and properly would use again. This one his father had made for him, and he needed to agree that it was indeed beautiful. He knew his mother had embroiled a prayer of keepsake in each and every one of her sons’ tents. Maedhros was shaken from his thoughts when a guard came and bowed before him “Sire, your tent is ready”.

“Thank you” Maedhros just said and smiled weakly before he stood up and walked to the tent, pushing the entry flap back and entered. 'It has even the same sleeping pelts' he thought, as he sat down and ran his hand over the soft fur. Right then he had a very hard time understanding, that he was on his way to Fingon’s wedding. This whole atmosphere in the tent made him almost believe, that in a matter of minutes his lover would enter with a huge grin and a bottle of wine.

But no one came, and Maedhros rose to his feet and wiped the first tears that had come to his eyes away. There would be a time where he could grief over his own choice of driving his lover away. But not now! Now his people needed him, and his brothers and mother wanted him to be strong.

He looked at the chest that was the present for Fingon and his wife to be. He did not even know what was inside; Maglor had made sure that they would come to the wedding with a present that was a kingly. Maedhros turned from the chest and walked out of the tent. He could not stay there for now, it just brought up too many memories, which he did not wish for.

_________________

Maglor had talked briefly to his brother, and had gone to bed worried. He seemed so sad, and to the dark haired elf it seemed, as if his brother walked in a state of dreaming, more than he was actually present. He had offered to come and stay in Maedhros tent for the night, even for the entire journey should he had desired, so that he was not alone. But Maedhros had declined, saying that he had to face this at some point, and there was no better time than the present. But the look in his elder brothers eyes, had told him that he lied. Why had he lied?

Not really able to find sleep, Maglor tossed and turned. But upon hearing the fabric that was the door to his tent swoosh open, he slowly sat up, “Maitimo?” he whispered.

“Nay” the voice said

Maglor would have recognized that voice anywhere. And he immediately pulled his woollen blanket aside and rose from his bed. Still dressed in his tunic and leggings. This was an old battle habit of his; if the camp got attacked then why waste precious time on getting dressed. Truly, it was not really comfortable, but Maglor never did sleep well in the outdoors anyway. “Maeglin? What brings you in here at the dead of the night?”

“I.. Uhm..” Maeglin said suddenly feeling stupid and unsure of the idea that had seemed so perfect before. “I didn’t know where else to go,” he finally admitted.

Maglor turned and lit three lights on the candelabra to brighten the tent some. “Don’t worry, my friend. You did not wake me. I can’t sleep either,” he said with a reassuring smile, and seated himself on his bed of pelts again as he padded the space next to him invitingly “Come sit”.

And Maeglin did. He sat down next to Maglor, pulled him into his arms, kissing the top of the raven hued hair “Is there anything wrong?” he whispered

“No, I only had a bad dream” Maeglin whispered and shivered from the aftermath of the powerful nightmare that had haunted him all night. “And I didn’t want to be alone”

Maglor slowly pulled Maeglin with him down onto the bed and turned so they faced each other “No bad dreams will come for you here, my sweet. Close your eyes and sleep.”

“I..” Maeglin whispered, but was cut off when Maglor’s fingertips stroke gently over his cheek and forehead, and he closed his eyes in reverie. He felt his pulse rise when suddenly Maglor’s soft lips kissed him gently. Maeglin opened his eyes and looking directly into the other elf's stormy eyes. He knew they were blue, but here in the dim lights, they seemed like a raging sea. Whatever came over Maeglin's spirit to intensify the kiss, he did not know, but before he realizing it at all, they tasted each other; tongues battling for dominion and their breaths were shallow.

Experimentally Maglor ran his hand up under Maeglin’s tunic, and was marvelled at the skin he encountered, was so soft. No scars from any wars, no broken bones under it all, his new lover was perfect, intact and felt most lost like virgin snow. At this moment Maglor felt terrible tainted, thinking of whom he had let touch him in the past.

And for some reason his mind wandered to the first time he had felt a lovers touch. It had been his father's seneschal, and all he remembered was that he had not even understood it before it was over. And the elf was gone, never to even smile at him once more. But these dark thoughts fled him when he felt Maeglin’s soft hands run over his stomach in a returned gesture.

Maeglin hesitated for a second. Looking up at Maglor he wanted to see his expression. He needed to know if he too would hurt and ridicule him. But when Maglor looked at him, he saw nothing but tenderness in the other elf's face and eyes. So the dark elf’s hand returned to its adventure up under the other elfs tunic. A little surprised and not sure of how to react when Maglor leaned in and their lips met in a gentle kiss, Maeglin felt sweet little chills run down his spine. And when he felt Maglor’s hand sneak down under his waistline, and wrap his fingers around his arousal. “Ma..” Maeglin gasped.

But Maglor just hushed him with deepening the kiss and slowly begun to pump the dark elfs erection, and soon he felt Maeglin relax against him, and give in to his caressing. With a little smile he noticed that the dark elf's hand had stopped moving and now instead squeezed hard around his side, digging his nails into Maglor’s soft skin. And so Maglor sped up his moves, his lips leaving Maeglin’s and he started to place little kisses along the raven haired beauty’s jaw line and further down on his neck. “You are so beautiful,” he whispered, smiling at the little purr he heard coming deep from his lover's stomach

Laying there in the dim lights, he felt a warm body this close to his own, knowing with his rational mind that this was Maglor, the second born son of Fëanor and maybe the most marvelling, beautiful and kind elf he had ever met, was touching him, whispering to him. He then noticed that since they had kissed in the library Maglor had lit up, and had pursued his presence, secretly Maeglin had been so happy that he had almost cried when Maglor had asked him to join him on this journey. And now, now he was here. It was almost too fantastic for the young elf's brain to realize.

Maglor listened to Maeglin’s shallow breathing and little short moans, feeling the fingernails dig deeper in his flesh, and feeling the little droplets of blood run down his back. “Just let go,” he whispered as he kissed his way back up to the pointy tip of Maeglin’s ear.

And he did, the young elf let go of all that he had tried hardest to hold back, and felt his all consuming climax rip through him, arching his back, ripping Maglor’s skin as he growled out his orgasm.

Maglor winched from the feeling on his back, but his heart sang of joy from the sound of Maeglin’s sexual peak, resting his forehead against the darks elfs sweaty temple. While listening to the dark elf's breathing slowly come back to normal, he whispered “Shhh, sleep now”.

Maeglin just smiled as he quickly drifted off into reverie, feeling more secure and guarded than he had felt his entire life. He knew it was Maglor’s arms around him, and his breath that he felt on his neck. And his little whispering he almost did not hear.

______________________

Amrod had watched as Caranthir had increased his cruelty when Maglor and Maedhros were gone. In his despair he had gone to Nerdanel, but she just told him that it was Caranthir, who was in charge of all, and none of them should get in his way. He was right to get the answers that they all needed so badly.

This night Amrod had gone to Celebrimbor’s room, volunteering to tell a tale to the child so he would fall asleep, for he did not know where else he should go. And just as the elfling had fallen to sleep, Amrod heard the door open. He turned, expecting their mother, checking in how he progressed.

But instead he saw Caranthir. Amrod turned from his brother and leaned over in the crib and tucked the blanket tightly around the little one. “What do ‘you’ want?” he said more venomously than he had actually intended; he had rather wanted to say something along with ‘go away’ or ‘I don’t want to speak with you’ but he knew he couldn’t do that.

“Amrod, brother” Caranthir said leaning against the doorframe “I need to talk to you”

Amrod turned from the crib and faced his brother with a baffled expression. “What for?” he asked, Caranthir would always ask for his twin, never him.

“I need your help” Caranthir said and smiled, reaching out to Amrod with a slender hand.

Amrod shook his head; he was sure what it was that Caranthir would ask of him. “He has not told me anything,” he said

“Come now, brother,” the elder elf, said “we can discuss this elsewhere, we might wake up the little one if we continue in here.”

The younger elf nodded and followed Caranthir out in the corridor, closing the door behind him to the wee ones room. “Alright” he almost sighed

Caranthir placed a hand on his younger brothers shoulder “You must come with me tomorrow.” The elf made great effort catching his younger brothers elusive gaze “Come with me to the dungeon.”

“And wha-what?” Amrod whispered, afraid to hear the answer.

“All you need to do, is to ask him” Caranthir said smiling carefree, trying to convince his brother that it was not dangerous at all.

“While you, you... do what you do?” Amrod whispered, feeling a bile taste rise in his mouth, and he shook off his brother’s hand from his shoulder “No, not yet brother, please give me more time.”

“To do what?” Caranthir said in a harsh tone “you already had plenty of time, and you came up just as clueless as I.” He shook his head, “Nay Amrod. When our brother the king returns, we shall have answers” the elder elf captured Amrod’s chin with long fingers and lifted the younger elfs head and forced Amrod to look at him ” Do you understand?”

Amrod just nodded and whispered “aye”

_____________________________________

Chapter 14 - you’re loosing a saviour and saint

(10 days later)

They had arrived at the wedding late in the afternoon. Maedhros had used the whole night before, that they were riding this last stretch, telling himself that all of them would want a king and not some lovesick little elfling. It had seemed easy enough until he had arrived at the gates. His presence had been announced by a guard - the king had arrived. Maedhros had wanted to pull his hood over his face and hide, but he couldn't, especially not now, that everyone knew he was there. This was the first time that he made a public performance since his unfortunate battle. Maedhros turned a slightly in his saddle as they
waited for the large gates to open. Maglor smiled a reassuring, nodding assurance to his brother. And Maedhros only could return the smile and then proceed into Fingon's stronghold.

The horses had all been taken to the stables, and Maedhros had watched as the chest, which they had brought, was taken to the courtyard as well.

Maglor looked up at the main entrance of the house and when he saw the door opening, he gently elbowed his brother. "Smile", he whispered.

At first Maedhros didn't know what he talked about but then he looked in the same direction as his brother, and there they were, Fingon and his wife to be. Maedhros felt as if a dagger pierced his heart, as they walked closer to them. He could see that the female elf was incredible beautiful. Now he could understand why Fingon had chosen her as a wife, as long she was as smart as she was pretty. Maedhros inhaled deeply but only his brothers heard it. Maglor placed his gently soothing hand in the small of his brother’s back. His brother tried now to focus on breathing normally when the couple had come so close, that he could touch them. "Lord Fingon" he said and smiled "My lady" he reached out for the
female elf and she took his hand and curtsied in front of her king.

Maedhros couldn't help but to note that her hands were warm and smooth, the hands that now touched his beloved. "Stand, my lady" he said with a smile and let her hand go. Congratulations my friend" the king stated and reached out to Fingon, keeping his wooden hand hidden behind his back.

Fingon kneeled before his cousin and king as well. "It is an honour, that you will join us for these festivities" he said softly, as he slowly rose again, and for a split second he looked Maedhros deep into his eyes. These eyes would haunt him forever, and in them he saw regret but also pride. "We thank thee, your majesty Maedhros" he said, feeling his old lovers name roll off his tongue, but now it seemed more like a curse than a prayer.

Maedhros just smiled and nodded "The pleasure is on my side."

Maglor suddenly cut in "Forgive me cousin, but we travelled long and are tired and weary”. He smiled apologizing so that Fingon would understand.

Fingon nodded and said, "Indeed you all must be exhausted. Please let my servants here show you your chambers"

Maglor smiled and nodded "Thank you, my Lord Fingon".

As a servant came and asked them to follow, Maedhros turned and looked at Fingon. He seemed to be dreaming and he had a hard time standing in front of his long lost lover, only to exchange courtesy.

Hours later the festivities were at their highest. The formal part of the wedding was over, and the feast had begun. Maedhros sat silently in a corner, flanked by Maglor and Amras. They shared a toast to their cousin, but not a single word was said. Maglor recognized the look on his brother's face and frowned. He had not thought that this would be so hard on him. But he noted that his brother's eyes followed their cousin wherever he went, and when Fingon laughed Maedhros smiled sadly, as were he laughing along.

In the end Amras left them to dance with some female. Maglor hardly noticed since he only had eyes for what his elder brother did. He had not even realized that Maeglin had left them hours ago. "Maitimo, please do not torment yourself so" Maglor whispered.

Maedhros seemed hypnotized but whispered back "I should not have come here".

"He was glad to see you, I could feel it." Maglor answered quietly.

Maedhros nodded absently. "The ring" he muttered, "she did not wear my ring". He turned to look at his brother "She wore a different kind"

"Aye?" Maglor whispered back with a smile

Maedhros squinted his eyes and looked at his brother suspiciously "Did you even send it to him as I had asked you?"

Maglor nodded Sure, I sent it as you had ordered, and I wrote even to him that you claimed that it now belonged on lady Êlethiel's finger". He smiled softly and then took Maedhros' hand "I love my cousin dearly, but you are my brother and master, so of course I followed your bidding, never doubt me again, Maitimo".

"So that is her name" Maedhros whispered "a beautiful name, for a beautiful woman"

"Maitimo, please listen, you sent him from your side, and now he went on and found himself another love. Don't hold that against him or her. You should rejoice for their happiness instead of becoming bitter over your own choices". Maglor squeezed Maedhros' good hand tight and added "He really had loved you and you know that."

"Yes, you are right, brother" Maedhros nodded and smiled, before he lifted his wooden hand and ran the cold and slick wood over Maglor's cheek "Go and talk to Maeglin, who I believe would like your company"

Maglor blushed slightly and nodded "If you wish."

"Exactly".

Maglor slowly got up but before he bent over and kissed his brother on his forehead "I hope you will find joy in your heart"
___________________

The feast was at it's end, and Maglor had retired to his room, looking forward to a night's rest in a real bed He slowly pulled all the pearls out that he had woven into his hair. The sad eyes of his brother haunted him. He wished that things had been different, and that it had been his brother wearing their cousins ring this night. But Fingon looked happy and that had to ease him somewhat, at least one of them found happiness. "I wonder if we cursed ourselves in more than one way" he whispered to his own reflection in the mirror while placing the pearls in a little box, one after one. His thoughts were interrupted by a soft knock at the door. "Enter" he called out. Sighing he watched Maeglin closing the door
behind him. By the Valar, he was so beautiful that night, still wearing his robe that he
had worn at the wedding. "Nightmares?" he asked smiling as the younger elf came closer.

"No" Maeglin stated and didn't smile, he just rested his hands on the back of Maglor's chair "I need to speak with you".

"Aye" Maglor mumbled, returning to finish picking out pearls, noting that his hands had started to tremble.

"I spoke with Orodeth, and.." Maeglin looked away from the reflection of Maglor's eyes
in the mirror.

"I know", Maglor just whispered "do not feel sad, meleth". The elf turned slightly in his seat. "I knew you would not come home with me again,” the
elf
continued, feeling tears building up in his eyes.

"And yet you took me here?" Maeglin said looking up, only to find Maglor looking up at him

"Aye, yet I brought you" Maglor said, smiling sadly "your fate is not at my side, I knew this long before".

Tears started to fall from Maeglin's eyes "But I wanted to stay at your side, you are.. I.. please come with me to the hidden city, to Gondolin" he whispered with a pleading voice.

"No" Maglor said determined and cupped the young elfs face with his hands, wiping
some tears away from the beautiful eyes with his thumb "My place is at my kings
side".

"But then.." Maeglin whispered, "No! I refuse to let this end so"

"This? Do you mean us?" Maglor said and smiled

"Aye" the raven-haired elf nodded slowly.

"It does not need to end in tears, meleth," Maglor whispered as he brought Maeglin's face down to his, so he could kiss his soft lips.

Maeglin whimpered softly in the kiss. He wanted this; he needed this, but still, he knew he would leave the next day, to never see this gem of his heart again.

"Come to my bed, my love" Maglor whispered. And before Maeglin really had a chance to answer, Maglor stood up and shed his own robe down.

Maeglin's breath got caught in his throat as he saw the son of Fëanor standing there, naked in front of him, as a silent plea. And without thinking too much Maeglin reached out and ran his fingers over the smooth chest of his lover. "But.." he tried to interrupt, only to feel
himself being silenced by Maglor's slender fingers against his lips.

"Hush", Maglor exhaled, letting his hands trail ands down to open Maeglin's
rope.

Standing naked in front of each other, Maglor smiled at the sight in front of him, as he gently pulled his lover down to the bed, letting Maeglin fall back in the soft covers. "I envy the one that is destined for you".

Maeglin watched silently as the dark-haired elf lowered himself over him, kissing him on his stomach. Maeglin had a hard time understanding what was happening to him. He had been sure that he would have been bit off and instantly asked to leave. Never had he counted on his heart's desire to share himself like this. And as the soft lips, that had sung many a love song to him, closed themselves around his arousal he gasped softly and closing his eyes to just feel.

Running his hand up and down Maeglin's body, Maglor could hear his lover’s soft moans, and he let the dark elfs arousal slip from between his lips. He slowly sat up and looked over the room and grabbed a flask of oil that stood on his bed stand, coating his own fingers, and then he poured a good amount on Maeglin's erection as well. He was amused over the dark elf's puzzled expression "Shh.. Don't worry,” he whispered.

Maeglin was on the verge of panic. He had thought that these things would not surface when it was Maglor's lips that touched him, but they did. Hearing Maglor trying to soothe him, made him aware that he appeared like a frightened fawn. So he forced himself to smile, but his body was as tense as a bowstring. This might not hurt, he kept telling himself, as Maglor moved up and positioned himself right over Maeglin's slick erection. The dark haired elf's eyes could have bulged out of their sockets. He could not believe, what, Maglor was about to do? And so he only watched as Maglor slowly impaled himself on Maeglin's erection.

Maeglin's inhaled deeply as he felt Maglor push further down, biting his lips, panting. Never had he desired to be inside anyone, and even if he knew that Maglor let him claim him, it felt like Maglor was going to claim him in return.

Once Maglor had pushed himself all the way down, he opened his eyes and looked at his lover beneath him. But when he saw nothing but love and surprise, the elder elf smiled “Meleth" he whispered, leaning forward to kiss Maeglin, he planted a hand on each of his younger lover’s shoulders and pinned him down with ease, as he started to ride him slowly "You feel good" he whispered, and caught his lovers gasp in a kiss.

Slowly and steady he worked them both towards their climax. He couldn't help but to think that he should mentally map the young elf's body, so he would never forget what he had been given. And as he felt Maeglin climaxing silently he felt immense pleasure washing over him as well, spilling himself on his lover’s stomach. Gently lowering himself
completely unto Maeglin's body he felt the young elf's heart beat just as fast as his own. He heard Maeglin panting, trying to catch his breath as well. And then he felt something wet on his cheek that he rested against his lover’s. He tilted his head slightly and whispered, "Don't cry, meleth. Did I not give pleasure to you?"

"Ay-Aye" Maeglin stammered, "You are divine in your love".

"Meleth, I told you that we must not part in tears" he said softly and raised himself so he could rest his forehead against Maeglin's "Just stay with me tonight". He took a deep breath and added "Leave my bed at dawn, and think of me fondly and without any regret for the rest of your life"

"I cannot do that, I cannot leave you now" Maeglin whispered, crying harder "I love you".

"I know you do, and I love you too" Maglor smiled sadly "But fate has different paths for you and I. And at this moment I could curse the Valar for it. Your destiny lies somewhere else and I cannot follow you".

Maeglin wrapped his arms around his lover in a desperate attempt to hold him at least close "No, no.. I will tell Orodeth I cannot go, I do not care for the Valar and their destinies. All I care for is you," he cried softly "Don't send me from your side"

"I would never send you anywhere," Maglor whispered as he slowly moved off his lover and got comfortable snuggling up to the warm body next to him "I am setting you free".

Maeglin didn't answer he just cried in silence, until he felt Maglor's slick tongue lick up his ear, then his soft sobs turned to soft purrs, and so they continued to share the pleasures of love until they both was fatigued and fell into peaceful dreams.
__________

Maeglin woke at dawn and looked at Maglor who was sound asleep, tangled in the bed sheet, as had he if had been involved in a fight with that piece of fabric. He watched the elf quietly - he thought he could not leave what he had here, but then he finally moved slowly off the bed and picked up his clothes.

For some reason Maglor’s word had made sense. But could he ever come back? Right there in that room, in the sparse sunlight, he vowed that he would find Maglor again, and some day they would unite. And until then, he would cherish the gift he had been given. He would not leave with a heavy soul and tears in his eyes. He had found his family, what he had set out for. He had never thought that he would loose his heart along the way too. And as he finished dressing, he moved over to the side of the bed where Maglor slept. "Fare well, meleth" he whispered and kissed the other elf tenderly on his slightly parted lips.

And as he left the room, he did not look back. Had he done so, he would have seen beloved looking at him, before he pulled the bed sheet over his head and sobbed like a little elfling.

_______________________________

15 - AN: I had some questions about the Maglor/Maeglin issue, and no this story will not end happy for them, but it will for everyone else, so just relax *smiles* - Actually it is because me myself dislike the stories where they all hug in the sunset at the end, I like happy ends just as much as the next person, but too much fluff can destroy a plot as well.
Betaed by; Erestor Junkie

Gwador = quenyan for brother

________________________________

Chapter 15 - I am your past, present and future /the pain of war cannot exceed the woe of aftermath/

Maedhros had watched his brother being strangely silent and withdrawn ever since their cousin Orodeth had left. And Maeglin had left with him. Maglor had been standing in the courtyard, and even if they had not done so since they had been but wee ones, Maglor had snuck his hand into his big brothers. Not worrying about what others might think, or that Maedhros was his king, he just needed someone to hold on to. And Maedhros let Maglor keep his death grip on his hand, gently running his thumb in soothing circles on the top of his brother's hand.

It had been very hard on Maglor, Maedhros could tell. Like always his little brother had tried to wear a mask of dignity and strength, but the red haired elf could see it crack. And his heart went out to his baby brother, he himself knew the feeling of choosing to let your other half go, leave with your heart and soul, and leave you behind to lick the wounds.

When they had not been able to see Orodeth's party anymore, Maglor had let go of Maedhros' hand and just turned and left. In that second Maedhros decided that they had been here long enough, this place held nothing but ghosts and pain. And so he turned to Amras, "Will you inform cousin Fingon, that I wish to speak with him?" he said.

Amras nodded and left, in his search for Fingon, who had not been there to see the guests off.

Maedhros had gone to his brother's chamber, and knocked on the door. But no answer had come. This worried him greatly, so he had knocked once more and whispered through the keyhole "Brother, I will leave you alone, if you just say that you are alright"

"I'm fine" a voice came from the other side of the door, a voice that sounded far from alright.

But Maedhros accepted this answer and whispered, "I shall be back later." No answer came, and he walked to his own chambers. Leave, yes they had to leave. He could not ask this of Maglor, he would not be as cruel as Nerdanel had been to him. He walked over to his window and looked over the garden, smiling sadly to himself as he watched the servants take down all the decorations from the wedding.

-Hours later-

Maedhros had not even been aware that he had fallen asleep, but a knock on the door woke him, he rubbed his eyes and watched as the door swung open.

"Maedhros? Sire?" a voice said softly... oh he knew that voice, this could only belong to his beloved cousin.

"Yes, I am here." he croaked

Fingon stepped from the shadow of the door, and into the room "You asked to see me?" he said, looking at a point far behind Maedhros.

"Yes" Maedhros said and slowly got up from the bed. How he hated to see that expression on his cousin's face. He looked ashamed and hurt, but all he had wanted was for Fingon to be happy. Or was it just that he wanted his own sacrifice to not be in vain.

"I wanted to express my gratitude, and give you my blessings before I had to inform you that we are riding"

Fingon turned his head and looked at Maedhros "Riding? You are leaving already?"

"Yes." Maedhros said flatly "Please believe me, it is not that we did not feel welcome, or enjoy your wedding,. It was very festive, and beautiful. I am afraid, it is a rather delicate matter, cousin."

"Delicate?" Fingon whispered and bit his lip. He was not ready to discuss this, but if they had to he would.

"Yes, delicate." Maedhros said as he walked towards a chair to sit "That is all you need to know."

"Oh, but of course sire." Fingon said, looking at the floor, feeling like he had just been dealt a blow to his stomach. He remembered seeing Maedhros being like this to others, and he had always admired that cool majestic air that surrounded him when he was like that, this elf here was not his cousin, or his lover. It was his king.

"So," Maedhros said, "I hope that the present we brought was satisfactory."

"Oh! it was a gift worthy of a king." Fingon said

"Good." The red-haired elf paused for a second and then turned his back to Fingon and poured himself some sweet white wine. "My mother has always been good at picking out presents." He said with more venom than he had intended, but it was just so hard for him to keep this facade up.

Fingon took a deep breath and stepped closer to Maedhros, "Why did you send it back?" he suddenly asked with an impossibly fragile voice

Maedhros dropped his head, and the tips of his hair swayed on the table and dipped into the wine, "It belonged on the hand of your bonded mate." he said .

"But it is yours." Fingon whispered in childish defence

The king shook his head "Nay, It never was."

"I had it made for you." Fingon whispered and stepped closer "Don't you remember?"

Maedhros suddenly turned around with a angry move, almost pushing Fingon away, but he stepped backwards by himself, seeing the lightening in his old lovers eyes. "Yes, I remember, but it was a childish dream Fingon, I would never be able to wear it, not like I wanted to, never! Do you hear me? I could never be what you wanted me to be, I would never have become your bonded mate!" He raised his wooden hand to Fingon's face. "Look at this.. This vile thing.. Tell me how this should carry a ring? Or touch a lover? - No Fingon, it was never mine, and I do not wish to have it anymore, give it to your beautiful wife if you please, I care not"

Fingon reached up to his neck and pulled out a little chain that was hidden under the fabric. Revealing the necklace he said, "I have it here, with mine, and here it shall stay."

The firstborn son of Fëanor felt his knees give in, watching the two rings dangling from the necklace "You are a sentimental fool." he said, but his eyes and his shaking hands gave him away. "It would be better if you left them behind, or tossed them in the sea." he whispered, completely mesmerised by the silver rings that dangled back and forth, the token to prove that their love was more than just a wonderful dream he had had.

"If they are mine to keep, I can do with them as I please, and I choose to have them close to my heart, and never forget." Fingon said and frowned. "Nor will I forget the heartache you gave me, and the grief I suffered from my broken heart."

Maedhros looked up at Fingon, and for a second he looked upon him as he would have years ago, "I just wanted you to be happy" He whispered. "I would never be able to do that."

"You should had let me be the judge of that." Fingon said, and with a swift move tucked the necklace and rings under his robe again.

Maedhros reached out and caressed Fingon's cheek "Dear cousin, look at your life now. You have your own household, a beautiful and skilled wife... and pretty soon I am sure that you will have offspring to spread joy to your heart as well." he smiled as his cousin leaned into his touch, and he continued to whisper. "Can you honestly tell me that this was not what you wanted? That you are not happy?"

"I am happy, yes." Fingon whispered. "But I would have been happy with you by my side as well."

"Even if I would never be able to bind with you, and that our love would be forever doomed to take place in the secrecy of the uncertainty and darkness? Forever fearing that someone might suspect, forever afraid of the dire consequences? And..." Maedhros rested his forehead against his cousins "no children."

"I would lying if I said I did not desire a child of my own," Fingon whispered

"I know" Maedhros whispered "I shall await your firstborn, like it was my own". The red-haired elf let go of his cousin and stepped back "We ride tomorrow."

Fingon looked at his youth's lover and nodded "I will take care of the preparations for you."

"Thank you, cousin Fingon" Maedhros said and nodded back "Now, I must take care of something myself, please excuse me." He said, as the mask of the lover crumbled and the mask of the king slipped back.

"But of course, sire." The other elf said, turned and walked to the door. "Sire?"

"Yes, cousin Fingon?"

"I am glad I got a chance to talk to you." Fingon smiled a little timid smile, "I missed you."

"I am glad we talked as well," Maedhros said as he picked up his glass from the table, about to take a sip.

"Will you write to me when you return home?" he asked

"When I have the time, I shall write you a letter, cousin." Maedhros said, unable to look into Fingon's eyes. They both knew it was a lie, he would not write. And they would never share a moment like this again, the next time they talked or met; it would solely be the king to his cousin, and not Maedhros to Fingon.

-----------------------------

The next morning, Maedhros and Maglor stood in the stables, waiting for Amras, who had met a fair lady during his stay, and now he was saying his good byes. Maedhros looked at Maglor and with a tender gesture ran his hand over his brothers hair "Take courage." he whispered, "You did the only thing you could."

Maglor looked up at his brother; "I could not leave your side," he whispered, "for you are my king, my brother and my destiny." The dark-haired elf took a deep breath and looked away.

"If you choose it to be so, you can still ride off, and track down Orodeth's party." Maedhros said as he let go of his brother's hair

"I curse the day the Valar gave me the gift of foresight," Maglor hissed in a hushed tone "When his destiny lies so far from mine, why did the Valar give him a piece of my heart?"

"Because the Valar are cruel in their judgement." Maedhros whispered as he pulled his little brother in for an embrace "We are cursed, gwador. Always to seek but never to find."

"Let us leave" Amras said as he came into the stables "I shall leave here with a heavy heart, weighed down by broken promises, and not half the spirit I came here."

Maedhros nodded at his baby brother "Farewell's are never easy."

___________________

The party that left the house of Fingon was a silent one. Maedhros looked at Maglor, who almost seemed as he was sleepwalking, the gift of foresight, he had always thought of that as the only blessing this family had, but apparently not, he could see his brother's point. Knowing something is inevitable is not always a good thing, then why had he fought so hard for him to write Fingon? He would have to ask him when they had returned home.

_______________________________________

16 - AN: sadly I think I’m gonna wrap this up soon. The muse has left the building, so to speak. Buuuuuuuut don’t worry, for those of you still reading, I might have changed the plot a lot from the original idea, but I am going to end it with a lot of smut at least.

Betaed by; Erestor Junkie, the remaining mistakes are mine

_______________________________

Chapter 16 – I am your beacon in the dark

Finally they had reached home, the journey had seemed like torture for the ones making the distance. And they all wished they had never left home to begin with.

They greeted their respective families and the sons of Fëanor went to eat the prepared meal waiting for them. After the dinner was consumed in an awkward silence, Amrod fled the company and ran to the dungeon.

The prisoner lit up as he saw his keeper come down the sombre corridor with a torch. As the guard opened the heavy iron door, the prisoner smiled and stood up “Varlin, I was beginning to fear you would not come today”

“Fret not” Amrod said smiling back, “I will always return,” he said as he placed the torch in its holder in the cell “Idun, I have been thinking, I made arrangements for you to have a bath today? Or do you think that... that... I mean, if you want to I can remove your shackles and you can wash yourself if you do not want me in the room”

“A bath?” the prisoner repeated “that would be lovely”

Amrod banged on the cell door and the guard opened it, “I am taking the prisoner to the barracks to get cleaned up again.” he said with a firm voice

The guard nodded and stepped back, letting Amrod and the prisoner out, handing Amrod the chains that he should guide the prisoner to the barracks in. They worked as a team and this time they reached the barracks with much less embarrassment for the prisoner and in half the time.

_____________

Stripping the prisoner, Amrod watched the wounds and scars, there were more than the last time, and one of the deeper gashes looked infected. He gently pressed a finger against the alarming red area on the prisoners back “does this hurt?” he asked softly

The prisoner winched and nodded

“You must see a healer, I fear this is infected” Amrod said with a worried expression, “are you listening to me Idun?”

The prisoner nodded and smiled, “Why do you worry so?” he whispered.

Amrod blushed slightly, “Because I care,” he admitted softly, and tried to will his eyes from the young elf’s naked form, “Now,..” he cleared his throat “let me take these shackles off you.”

Amrod kneeled and removed the rest of the confining chains; then he stood up and took a step back “There, I shall wait over here, and you just take your time and have a hot bath.”

“Varlin?” the prisoner said, grabbing Amrod’s arm “Why do you care?” he asked with a hint of desperation in his voice “Please tell me, for I need to know, badly”

Amrod found himself looking directly into the prisoners beautiful eyes “I.. I..” he stuttered. And then he gently took a hold on the prisoner’s neck and pulled him in for a kiss. It was a sweet kiss, a kiss of virgins, a kiss of innocence stolen. And when they broke from it Amrod smiled and blushed, seeing the baffled face upon the other “I think I might be in love with you,” he admitted

“Love?” the prisoner whispered, “You speak of love?”

“I do.” Amrod said and dropped his gaze to the floor, it had been wrong to kiss Idun, it had been wrong indeed; he had taken advantage of the prisoners trust. And now that it was destroyed, nothing could rebuild it. He would have to abandon his new friend here in the dungeons of his father’s stronghold. “Is that so hard to understand?”

“Yes, no..” the prisoner said, and with a trembling hand, he lifted Amrod’s face with two fingers, and leaned in for another little , “You are so kind to me,” he whispered against Amrod’s soft lips “and I do believe the impossible happened, I do believe I lost my heart here in this place of despair, lost my heart to you.”

“Now that we opened our heart to each other,” Amrod whispered, running a finger gently down over his beloveds face “I find it only fair we share our real names, my heart belongs to you, no matter your birth name.”

An awkward silence clouded the room and the prisoner looked down to the floor, holding both his hands in front of his groin, ashamed to let the other elf see the effect he had on him.

“My name is Amrod” Amrod said with a little nervous tick of his hand, “I am the youngest of the sons of Fëanor, I am a prince in this stronghold,” he took a deep breath “I didn’t want you to know who I was because I knew of the grudge you hold to my family, but I speak the truth when I speak of love.. Meldir”

For long moments the prisoner said nothing, and Amrod could see he was thinking hard. He just wanted to put his arms around this skinny frame and bury his beloved in an embrace, but he had to face the possibility of a rejection now that the prisoner knew who he was, and he would take that rejection without any hard feelings.

“I am Elured” the prisoner finally whispered and then he looked up at Amrod, his eyes was impossible big and filled with fear and uncertainty “I am the eldest son of Dior, I am he your brothers seek, and if you betray my trust, then I know for true my heart has led me astray and I shall die with a curse on my lips”

“Oh” Amrod said, “I would never betray you... Elured” he whispered

______________________

That evening they had all gathered in the great hall, Nerdanel and Amrod waiting to hear about the wedding. Maedhros told the family that the wedding had been wonderful, and that Maeglin had finally found his way to Gondolin, and therefore had travelled there and not home with them.

Nerdanel noted Maglor’s discomfort by these words and made a mental note to speak with her son later in private, she had noted that Maglor seemed to have budding feelings, but also knew his heart and therefore suspected that he had been the force behind Maeglin’s step to leave.

After the wedding tale, their talk became more serious, and Caranthir cleared his throat “Maedhros, I have been waiting for your guidance in the matter of our prisoner from Doriath, without someone who is Fluent in the Sindarian language its hard to get an confession out of him”

Amrod stood up, and instantly regretted it as all eyes rested on him. “Maedhros, please listen,” he started with a slightly trembling voice, noting Caranthir’s angry frown on the other side of the table. “Please let the prisoner see a healer, I have seen the wounds on his torso, and more than one is infected, if he is not treated, they could get very serious”

Maedhros looked back and forth between his brothers, looking at Caranthir’s determined expression, and Amrod’s pleading eyes “A healer shall be taken to the prisoner, and you Caranthir shall not have more sessions with him until he is healed and well.” Amrod looked relived and Caranthir outraged, when Maedhros continued “you Amrod know the language of sindarin, so you are to join Caranthir as a translator when the prisoner is well”

Amrod sat down like a sack of potatoes, he opened his mouth to object but Maedhros hushed him with a move of his hand “It’s final”

___________________________________________

17 - AN: Alright first of all, I did not drop out on y’all. I moved house and has been without internet, therefore my long absence – There is going to be 20 chapter of this fic. Enjoy girls and germs.

Betaed by; Erestor Junkie, the remaining mistakes are mine

___________________________________________

Chapter 17; I am your brother.

Today was the first time in weeks, that Caranthir and asked him to attend the first session with the prisoner. And Amrod had tried to postpone this for ages. Not really telling his brother why, but all of a sudden spending a lot of time together with the baby, and smiling within every time Caranthir had wanted to use his skills, and Nerdanel had told him to wait, and just rejoice at Amrod’s new bond with Celebrimbor.

Amrod listened to his brother getting up and getting dressed, whistling to himself. He just smiled and kept drawing in his journal, trying not to breathe in the way of the candle so the light would flicker and he could not see what he was writing.

“What are you writing?” Amras suddenly asked as he sat down on the bed, combing his hair with long slow strokes.

“Private,” Amrod just mumbled and kept writing

At first, Amras just looked hurt for the lack of confidence his twin was showing in him. But then he just snatched the journal out from under Amrod’s nose “aahhh” Amras cooed, and then he laughed.

“What is so funny?” Amrod pouted as he sat up and reached for the journal, which Amras gave him after a second glance.

“You,” Amras giggled. “Why didn’t you tell me you had a lover?”

“He’s not my lover!” Amrod exploded and tossed the journal on the floor next to the bed.

“A beloved then?” Amras said, and raised a brow. Upon seeing Amrod’s chaste blush he chuckled again, “Oh yes my brother has a beloved.”

“Aye,” Amrod said with a nod.

“Then I am not at all surprised that you acted like a girl,” Amras grinned.

“I did not act like a girl,” Amrod said with an even bigger pout.

“And having a journal is not girly”

Amrod resorted to the last thing he had, and that was to stick out his tongue at his twin. “Maglor has a journal; I dare you to call him a girl.”

Amras just chuckled and got up from the bed, and put the brush aside, starting to braid his hair “Who is the lucky elf that stole my brothers heart from me?” he said casually.

“Does it matter?” Amrod said with a feeling of slight alarm. He had hoped that his twin would let this matter slip quickly, because he thought himself unable to lie to his twin. Sure, he would get caught at his game. And if Amras found out who held his heart, he was not sure that he would congratulate him, no he would run directly to Caranthir and then he would surely have signed Elured’s doom.

“No not really. As long as you are happy,” Amras said and turned from the mirror to his brother. “There... I will go meet this Caranthir, and so we shall meet later Pitya”

“Aye” Amrod sighed and nodded “and Russa?”

Amras stopped in the door and looked back “Yes?”

“Thank you.”

“For what?” Amras said as he raised a puzzled brow

“For being you,” Amrod said cryptically

“You are welcome,” the red-haired elf laughed and then walked out of the room.

_______________________

Maglor had tried for hours to make himself knock on Maedhros’ door. He would wish that he would listen to reason. But taken his brothers mental state, as of late, he was not so sure. Maedhros was a shadow of his former glory, the trip to the wedding had been harder on him than he would admit, and Maglor could see this. But Maedhros would never admit that.

Maglor opted to not knock but just opened the door, looking directly at his brother comparing some scrolls on his large desk. “Maedhros?” he said softly

Maedhros looked up “Yes?” he smiled as he saw it was his favourite brother and gestured towards a chair “Maglor, what are you doing here at this hour?”

“Actually” Maglor said as he sat down in the chaise lounge it’s a rather delicate matter once more. “I wanted to ask... nay I am ready to beg you that you do not use Amrod to help Caranthir...”

Maedhros looked up at Maglor “No.” he just said and returned to his papers

“I beg you, Maedhros,” Maglor said as he stood up, “If you had heard Pitya sing in the gardens, you would think as I. He is not ready.”

“No,” Maedhros said once more and this time without looking up at his brother.

“But...” Maglor said but was hushed by a hand gesture from Maedhros.

“Maglor, by beloved brother, you are very special to my heart and this is why I am telling you this,” Maedhros said as he looked Maglor straight in the eyes. “I have nothing left in this world to live for.” He smiled a bitter smile and continued “All I have is fathers quest, and thus my heart is dead to all else. Do not discuss this with me, I am not only your big brother I am also your king.”

Maglor lowered his gaze and whispered, “Yes, sire,” and with an angry move turned and left the room.

________________

Amrod stood and looked down the spiral stairs to the dungeon. It was time. It was now! He took a deep breath and started to walk down the stairs, he could not by his life figure out how he should wiggle out of this. And perhaps it was not what he was supposed to do, get out of it. Maybe it was time for him to stand up to his brother, maybe it was just time for him to be a son of Fëanor.

As he got to the end of the stairs he had told himself over and over again that he would tell Caranthir that he would not go through with his cruel acts, and that no elf should treat another like this. Maybe he was a prisoner, but that did not mean that he was Caranthir’s personal little toy to take his twisted and dark fantasies out on.

But as Amrod saw Caranthir stand there, small and talking with the other guard that tied Elured up on the wall, Amrod lost all his fire he had had seconds ago. By the valar! It was Elured up there on the wall. And Caranthir was choosing instruments for Eru only knows what! Amrod was absolutely panicking and stuck on the spot.

“Amrod!” Caranthir said with a smile “I was beginning to think you wouldn’t come after all.”

“..I...I.” Amrod stuttered, and when Elured turned his head and looked at him, he felt a strange white rage mingled with fear well up inside him, and he took a deep breath, turned and ran up the stairs again. He didn’t stop running as he came to the door to the house, he ran out the door and into the gardens. Never hearing Caranthir calling for him.

____________________________________

18 - AN:  I know I said I dumped this fic, as the first I have ever dumped. But luckily Marje gave enough ideas and together with my new mediæval bæbes cd, they kickstarted my muse, and so.. I should perhaps warn that the plot have changed some, and my original ideas tossed out the window, but they were never any good to begin with.

Betaed by; Erestor Junkie, the remaining mistakes are mine

___________________________________

Chapter 18 – He once was a true love of mine.

Summer and autumn left, leaving the winter to freeze the souls of the ones left at Himring. Caranthir put an end to