As i returned from the bathroom, I found Harlen awake. he seemed distraught, but didnt speak for a long time, he just looked at me with a hurt glare, and continued sipping his coffee, i sat down on the opposite of the table and poured myself some coffee and waited for him to speak, but he didnt. he just looked intensly at his cup, so at eventually i stood up with a sigh and went to the bathroom, to get dressed, when i was almost finised, i heard the door open and Harlen step inside, i could see that he tried to compose himself, i had after all lived with him for some years.

"Cain.." he said wringing his hands.

"what?" i said looking at him with a slight smile, he really looked like a schoolboy who'd gotten a detention when he stood like that.

"Where did you go?" he said, blushing slightly.

"To a friends, i had to think it over, a'right?" i said.

"you could have left a note or something" Harlen said, slowly looking up at me, tears evident in his voice.

"excuse me?" i said crossing my arms over my chest "i wasnt aware that i was grounded" i hissed.

"dont be a jerk" Harlen whispered as he looked away from me "I was just puzzled, as to why you had left, after we.. you know, and i wondered if it was because you.. you.. regrettet it, and.." he rambled on, not even aware of when he had started to bite his nails as he spoke.

"Its non of your damn business where i went" i said more harsly than i had intended, i could see his eyes welling up with tears, but that only fueld my fire, and before i knew it i growled "You were a good shag, i admit that, but that dont make you my boyfriend or nothing, so get over it!"

Harlen looked like he had been slapped, and in some means maybe he had, "I.. I.." he gasped, before he turned around and stormed out of the bathroom like a miffed teenager.

"Hey Harlen.. " i called after him

But he kept his back to me and growled "leave me the fuck alone"

And so i did, admitted this could have gone better, And Harlen didnt come back to my bed for quite som time, but eventually he swallowed his pride, and came joined me in a bubble bath, agreeing on the rules, that i was not his and he was not mine. i could taste the lie on his tounge, but it didnt matter really, it made me happy, all of this. it couldent be better, i had my freedom, i had Liam, i had Early and i had Harlen.. life was good.

- 3 months later-

Liam and i still worked at the office together, and occationally we would go out for lunch, but ever since the babyshower things had tuned down some, i dont really know if it was me or him who did it. this day i had come in to the office on a saturday, only to find that Liam had also run behind on his work, and was there as the only other.

"Cain, hey!" Liam said, standing from his seat, hugging me quickly.

"Hey stranger" i said with a quirky smile. "escaping the circus?"

"something like that" he said with a sigh

"I miss you, Cain" he suddenly said, looking terribly tormented, "Dawn has gotten suspicious that i am having an affair with someone here at the office, and.. i dont know what i'd do if i she left, but i dont know what i would do if i couldent see you either"

"are you sure she suspects something?" i asked softly, hoping that Dawn was just paranoid, i wouldent want to be the reason of Liam loosing his family, but on the other hand, a egocentric wish had me seeing him still.

"I overheard a phone conversation she had with a friend" he admitted, looking lost. "Honest to God, Cain, i dont know without either of you, and then theres Ruby and Jade, I.. I just dont know anything anymore"

"we will find some solution, Liam dont worry so much" i said.

Liam's work phone rang, and broke the awkward moment, he quickly picked up. and all i heard him say was 'Oh hey baby' - 'Yes he's here' - He turned to me, and smiled nervously. - 'you did that?' - 'no, no sounds like fun' - 'sure i'll tell him sweetness' - 'Mmhmm, yes.. i love you too, bye'

And he hung up, smiling at me with a in deciphreable look in his eyes "Dawn told me she had just called your boyfriend, and had made plans for dinner at your place tonight"

"what?" i gasped, and must have looked absoultey mortified.

Liam's voice faded and he looked away from me as he said "she had gotten her mother to babysit and all"

Old habits dont just die, and before we knew it we ended up rolling about on the floor at the office, engaged in non too gentle sex. we both had a million reasons not to do it, but apparently a million and one to do it.

As i returned home later, i went stright through the living room where Harlen was preparing the dinner, and straight to my punching bag, kicking the shit out of it, my little intermezzo with Liam had not calmed my aggivation, why had Dawn come up with that stupid idea? and why had Harlen agreed? was this his way of paying me back for my unkind words?

Harlen came into the extra room, and stood by the window, looking out into the night. "So whats your problem?" he said softly

"nothing" i growled as i kicked the bag.

"i know something is wrong, you never use that punching bag unless you're pissed off" he said, turning slightly towards me. "its fine you dont have to talk about it"

"thank you" i relieped acidly

"but i think you should get a shower and some decent clothes on, Dawn and Liam is going to be here in an hour" Harlen said as he walked out of the room and back into the kitchen.

Later as i had dressed, Harlen came over and handed me a cup of coffee, "i dont get you Cain" he said softly, "First you are on fire, acting like we are lovers, and then.. then you turn to stone, and wont even answer me, or look my way" he smiled a little sadly "so which is it?"

"don't" i groaned "i dont wanna fight"

He shook his head and then smiled again "i dont either" he said just as soft as before, "this is supposed to be a plesant evening, and all"

I hated it when he looked that hurt, it cut right to my heart and i quickly grabbed him, turning him around so i could lay a arm around his neck, and hold him tight. "I like you a lot Harlen, really.. I like you very, very much"

"so you say" he whispered, but still leaned into the embrace.

As Dawn and Liam came, both Liam and I held up apperances, and besides it being very awkward, it was indeed very nice, to have guests over, and Harlen, he practically glowed, given his chance to play gentle boyfriend, and good host. i heard the tone he used when he talked about me to Dawn, you would have thought i had created the sky, and set the moon and stars there, just for him.. but it did make me all warm and fuzzy, it felt nice that someone ahd high thoughts of me after all.

As the dinner was over, and Harlen was making coffee again, Dawn approached me with a strained smile "so its you who's putting out to my husband, eh?" she said in a cold tone.

"say what?" i said, feeling the blood first rush from and then back to my cheeks, how had she found out?

"two words you little slut, 'answering machine' " she said, still with her cold smile in place.

I think i paled, remembering how many times i had left messages on Liam's cellphone, some of them rather steamy. "oh" i just said, knowing i was caught, knowing it was game over.

"So, you stay the hell away from him you hear me?" she growled, finally raising her voice. which made her less eerie.

"whoa there.. its not like that.." i started, but she cut me off.

"i dont care for why's, when's and how's.. but listen to me when i say its over, if you as much as breathe in his direction again, i will send those recordings of you, and your little notes i found.. everything to the tabloids, Clear?"

"crystal" i said, looking away from her, knowing i had defenetly lost this argument, the tabloids would have a freaking field day, over that the majors gay son had an affair with a co-worker, and a married one too. dosnt really vouch for credability.

"And that goes for you too mister" Dawn told her husband, "you dont ever see him again, if you do, you will be the epicenter of a scandal faster than you can say 'oops' as the cheating little shit, divorced to the calm grieving ex-wife, left alone with two little children, while you are free to indulge in your carnal pleasures"

"Dawn, please listen, you got it all backwards baby" Liam tried.

"oh really?" Harlen suddenly said, "You are a cheating little bastard, she got that allright" he turned and pointed at me "you two has done nothing but lie from the beginning" he hammered his fist down into the kitchen desk, making Liam step a step backwards. "you told him you were married eventually. and what did you do? nothing! absolutely nothing! you guys didnt stop!" he turned to me again, "you went to his damn kids babyshower! how can you do that to them?"

Dawn frowned.

"Harlen, please" I said, grabbing hsi shoulder to make him stop.

"No! don't touch me!" he cried.

Dawn turned to Liam "lets go" she said firmly.

"yes, yes" Liam breathed nodding.

and then they left, Dawn with long strides, and Liam hurrying after her.

With them gone, i turned to Harlen. "why the hell did you say all those things? didn't you ever learn to shut up?"

"because she decerved to know what shes dealing with, neither you or him seems to understand that you are hurting a lot of people around you" Harlen raged.

"like what.. you?" i said acidly, "did you really take this personally? i already told you i liked you, then why all that drama?"

"why the drama?" Harlen roared, "i will tell you why, you have some issues man! if you cant see you are doing? you managed to hurt me, Dawn and Liam in one blow, and why? because you cant keep your damn pants zipped, thats why!" as i tried to defend myself, he cut me off with taking a step towards me crying "You dont seem to understand that there are people who care about you deeply, other people are not made of stone Cain, apparently you are the only one here without a concience, or a heart if you cant see that!"

".. But Harlen, I.." i managed to mumble.

"No! Cain. You better go think about this one, because.. Because.." Harlen paused and suddenly looked like he was in doubt, but then he dropped the bomb. "Because I love you!"

"you.. what?" I whispered, hearing his confession, i had fooled myself into ignoring the sadness in his kisses, and told myself that i was nothing but a convenient date. one with money too.

"I love you!" Harlen cried, "and i cant live like this, i cant be your convenience boyfriend when you need one to keep up apperances, its tearing me apart, do you understand that?

"But Harlen, i thought we agreed that.." i started, when i suddenly noticed Harlen's tears, and lowered my voice to a whisper "we only... uhm"

"No Cain!" he cried, wiping his tears with the back of his hand in a irritated move. " 'YOU' agreed, and I followed," he shook his head while a sob rose from his throat. "If i didnt agree, i would never have you, that is the rule of your little game, to keep everyone at a distance while you get to fuck everybody over, well i cant do it anymore!" Harlen started crying hard, but as i reached for him, he pushed me away, hissing "Go meditate on that one Cain, go get plastered, go do some of your buds, i dont care, but when you come home you better have made up your mind, if you want to be with me or not"

"But Harlen" i tried again, reaching for him once more.

But he swatted my hand away "just go!" he cried.

And i did, i left, and as soon as i sat in the car i called the only one i knew who could help me clear my mind in a siruation like this. Early. he told me just to come over and we would talk about it, and so i did. he looked astonished as he saw me "My God, Cain, what happened?" he said softly "you look like crap"

"I feel like crap" i admitted with a sigh, "i think i just fucked up" Early looked at me with amused worry and sat down so i could tell my rather confusing tale, and as i ended it, i looked to him and said "i dont know what to do man.. "

"I love you Cain, you know that dont you?" he said, looking all serious. I nodded. "Do you love Liam?" he asked.

"No.." i said with a low voice, "but i like him alright"

"thats not good enough, Cain, you stupid idiot.. you cant keep running" He took my hand, and hel it tight. "look at me, i spent my entire life running, and what did that earn me? nothing at all! and in many aspects im still running, and might always do so, but you Cain, you have a chance to do the right thing, to make it different"

"but.. but" I stammered, having a faint idea that i had been saying that alot that day. "He.. scares me!" there i had said it, it was true, Harlen freaked me out, i wasnt ready for commitment like that! i was scared that i couldent be the one he wanted me to be, or be there enough, or that i didnt love him, or that he would get tired of me once i had opened up.

Early just smiled mysteriously, "Then everything is like its supposed to be, I know hoe deep within you hide your feelings, i know that what you show the world is 90% facade, but i allso know another side to you, the one who as a kid screamed for, and fought for, and now as an adult refuses to recieve, you can't shut yourself off like that Cain, he loves you, and he means well. And i know you too well, if he got under your skin enough to provoke angstiety, then you feel something too, even if you wont admit it"

"maybe you are right" i admitted reluctantly. "Early? Is it love when i cant imagine being without him around?"

Early nodded "sure"

"what about you? do you love that bloke who has this place?" i asked, in a almost pleasing tone.

"Alexander" Early said with a little secretive smile "i like him a'right"

"is he good to you?" I asked, worrying that Early was somehow lost to me again.

"Yes, he is the best" Early said, blushing slightly, making me smile in return to see that, i couldent remember seeing Early blush ever. "Maybe it was a good thing, that you ran back then, if i had gone with you, i would just have been no good, and then you wouldent have had Harlen, and i wouldent be here either, so maybe yea.. maybe it all works out after all"

"yea, maybe you were right, that i was just hung up on you," i said.

"No dont give me that Cain, if i had not had the dream that you would come and save me like some knight in shining armor, then i wouldent have been able to do what i did, and if you had not had me to save, then i dont know.. maybe you wouldent have been the same either" Ealy said, as he hugged me tight, "All that matters is that we are where we are supposed to be"

"So what now?" i whispered in his ear.

"now you kiss me goodbye, and then you go home and tell Harlen that you love him" Early whispered back.

"I can't do that!" I whispered in a urgent tone "i dont want this to end, i dont want you to.."

"We're friends right?" Early whispered softly. i hummed in agreement, and he kissed my cheek "Then its not goodbye for real, more like a see you later"

I could feel i was about to cry, and so i pulled from the embrace, and kissed Early, tenderly and softly, as if i tried to show him how much i loved him, but to my surprise a image of Harlen flashed before my eyes, as my lips met Earlys, and i knew he was right.

As i left the apartment, and walked to my car, i was still a little sad. this felt like the end of something, and strangely not like the beginning of something new, but then again i never liked change to begin with. I had had Early as my dream and my goal for so long it felt odd to be without, to know that Harlen loved me, and to then realise that maybe i loved him too, but just hadent realised that it was love. when had my heart exchanged Early for Harlen? i just didnt know.

As i returned, Harlen woke in the bed, and i went to make a cup of coffee, since i was tired, but my thoughts were rumbling around in my head, and i knew i wouldent find rest anyways, so i might as well stay up.

I had just finished the coffee as Harlen came out in the kitchen, "so?" he said harsly, "have you made up your mind?"

I looked up at him while poured the coffee into my cup, "yea" i said

Harlen walked over and stood infront of me, i could see that he had been crying, and i couldent help but thinking it was so sweet that he had shed tears just for me. "Yea? thats all? could you atleast tell me what you decided? I mean, gods Cain, i realise that asking you to show an emotion is a lot to ask of you, but still i think i decerve a straight fucking answer!"

"Relax" i said, smiling at him, as i could hear he worked himself up, all over again, so afraid of being rejected, and truth was that if Early hadent knocked some sense into me, i might have rejected him, solely because he asked for me to give something back, and not just enjoy and recieve.

Harlen stopped his rant, and looked at me, his eyes was big and blue as he looked right at me, as were he trying to read the answer off my face.

"I love you too" i finally whispered.

TBC

-outake-

Alexander taking a shower with his clothes on... like wtf?