It was strange, the feeling in the flat those days. it was like Harlen had a electric aura, and i was not sure i wouldent get hurt if i got more than two meters close to him. So we just carried on, trapped in this poisonous mood, and in eachothers company.

When a week had gone, and Harlen still slept on the couch, and he did still not speak to me, honestly then i spoke more than enough for the both of us, but he didnt answer, i could just as well had been speaking to a door. Then the day before christmas, in the evening as i had gotten home from work, sitting down with my coffee and my newspaper, he silently snuck up behind me and with a soft voice said "Cain?"

I didnt even register he had spoken, because i had gotten so used to not hearing another voice that it took me long moments before it finally sunk in, and i turned in my seat and looked at him "Yes?" i said equally soft, noting that he looked like he had been crying.

"I'm going home" he said allmost a whisper.

"what? where?" I stood up from my seat and looked at him as he frowned "But you are home" i said, hating how whiny my voice sounded.

"Right" he sneered. Crossing his arms over his chest, his frown deepening.

"Don't give me that crap, Harlen." I growled, raising my voice, allmost yelling. "Did you buy a condo and not tell me, or something?" i knew that was the wrong thing to say, but i had somehow just not imagined those would be the words that came out, once he would speak to me again.

Harlen stared at me with murder in his eyes, but did not speak, instead he just turned to leave.

I grabbed him and turned him around to face me again "I asked you a question!" i yelled, much louder than i had intended.

"Let go of me!" he cried, and pushed me away.

And then the reality sunk in, and i sighed as i hung my head. "Are you leaving me?" i whispered, not looking up at him.

"yes.. I.. maybe.." He stuttered, and absentminded chewed on a nail. "I dont know Cain, i think i am.." he whispered.

"Oh" i just breathed, and looked up at him "Is there anything i can do to make you change your mind?" He didnt answer, but just looked sad, "Christmas" i finally whispered "please stay for Christmas" And to my joy, he nodded. I didnt reach out for him, because i could tell from his look, that he wouldent want my touch anyway.

But he still went to sleep on the couch, but as he slept i went there and gave him the blanket from the bed, and tucked him in. I had to make this right! I had to make this Christmas perfect.

And so i started to prepare, buying Harlen, everything i remembered he had ever wanted.

And at the morning of Christmas, i had been up for hours before Harlen, making breakfast, and wrapping his presents, i even suck myself to a peck kiss to his cheek as i woke him. I smiled as he sat up all confused, and the look in his yes as i gave him his breakfast on a trey was worth it all.

"You did all of this?" he said vaguely. reacing for his coffee.

"Yea" i said, suddenly growing embarrassed, even if i didnt know why.

He smiled and ate his breakfast in silence, and once he was finished, i was ready to burst, dying to see his reaction to the presents i bought him. "Come and get your gifts" i said a little to eagerly, and got up, followed by him. I stopped by the tree and reached under it, handing him a big green wrapped present. "this is for you, and so is all the other presents.. I...I.."

"All this?" he said, his voice breaking.

"Yes" I said, lowering my gaze to my feet. maybe i really had tried too hard.

"You shouldent have" He said sadly, handing the present back to me.

I looked at the present as had he offered me a viper. "What?" I croaked, "But, its for you, i want you to have it"

"I know" he said sticking his hands in his pockets, "But don't want it"

My head snapped up, and i looked horrorfied at him. "But i thought that.."

"I didnt get you one" he said. And as i head his sombre voice, i realised that he had been planning on being gone by christmas, but something held him back, i could only hope that i could find that something, and make him stay.

I put on my brave smile and offered him the green present again "It dosnt matter Harlen, i bought this for you, because i wanted you to have it"

But he didnt reach for it.

Every minute that day was torture, i was waiting for him to leave, but he didnt. He just kinda hung about sulking. But not leaving.

I took my bath and put on my pyjamas, normally i didnt bother with it, but i didnt know if it was because it was winter, or because i didnt have a warm body to snuggle up to, then i was freezing. I looked at Harlens suitcase that stood next to the closet. it had been standing there for four days, and suddenly when i stood there in the dim light of my bedroom, i realised it was true, i couldent do anything, Harlen was leaving, and i might as well just face it. it was my own fault after all, it had been me who had driven him away.

I should have listened to him, I should have stopped that foolish game i had been running, a long time ago. No! i never should have played. But i just never thought that Harlen would leave, he was just always there, and as i stood there, i couldent even remember what it had been like before him. All that mess i had created, and for what? Liam had Dawn and his kids, and Early.. he whom i had thought i would spend the rest of my life with, i had thought that i would dissapear if didnt have him within my reach.. We.. We had grown apart. If i had to be honest to myself, then he just fluttered as a wounded butterfly in the corner of my heart, when staring at the prospect of loosing Harlen.

But i still went to bed alone.

The next morning Harlen was up before me, and as i got dressed i noticed that the suitcase was gone from the bedroom. 'so today it is' i thought to myself, sighing, fighting to hold in my tears.

But oddly enough Harlen seemed chatty as i got out and sat down to have my coffee. i couldent even look at him.

when i hadent answered him for a couple of sentences, Harlen sat down his cup and grabbed my shoulder, trying to get me to look at him. "Cain? Cain?" he said softly "Are you listening?"

I nodded, not trusting my voice to answer.

"Then what did i just say?" he said, sounding slightly scolding like a parent.

"I.. dont know" i finally whispered.

"Fine!" Harlen said and let go of my shoulder and stood up. "If you cant even answer me, when i tell you why i'm leaving, then.." he stopped with his back to me, i couldent see him, but i could smell his colone. and nomatter how hard i tried, my eyes welled with tears that i did not want to shed.

"I just dont know what to say" I finally whispered.

"Then i will say it for you" Harlen said with a strange voice.

I wiped my tears in my sleeve and finally stood up and turned around.

"You know what Cain, i have never met anyone more selfish than you, you think its all a game, dont you? you play other people like other people play with toy soldiers, dont you?" he ranted, only stopping to take a deep breath. "i cant live like that, i dont want to be your pawn of convenience, when i told you, i wanted commitment, i meant it, i didnt mean some stupid fucking ring on my finger!"

"It's not like that!" i cried. "I love you Harlen, i really do! I know i havent been good at showing it.."

Harlen cut me off "you must me joking, Cain" he sneered and crossed his arms, with a haughty expression.

"Don't be like that" I whimpered. "I didnt just give you a ring, i gave you my heart" i said, knowing exsactly how hollow it sounded.

"Your heart, huh?" Harlen said coldly. "it all comes down to money with you, and the stuff you can buy, dosnt it? you cant buy me off with little stupid trinkets, Cain. and you are a fool to believe that anyone is stupid enough not to catch your little games."

"Harlen, stop!" i pleaded, knowing in my heart what would come next.

"If you gave me your heart, when you gave me this stupid ring, then you can have it back, i dont want your lousy ring, or your damn heart" he cried, pulling off his ring with such fury i was afraid he would hurt himself, and then he tossed it in my face. it hit my cheek and bounced off, i heard it hit the floor somewhere to the left of me, but i didnt see it.

"Don't look so surprised Cain" he raged, "you are the one who always left me tagging along, half kept in the dark, thinking i was just a lovesick kid, and that i would stick around. Well guess what! i have had more offers than you care to know, and i declined them all, that is more than i can say about you, you who did it with anything that had a pulse and that smiled pretty at you, did you really think i would take that for ever? smelling another man on you when you laid down next to me and fell asleep with your arms around me? you can scrub down from here to eternity, but i can still smell a wrong sent on you Cain." He stopped and wiped his angry tears with the back of his hand, before he suddely poked me. "Do you have any idea how many times i cried myself to sleep? how hard it was to smile everytime you bought me a cd, or a new sweater, because you felt guilty?"

"I...I...I did't kn-know" i managed to say. stepping backwards from Harlen, feeling the marble table against my back. feeling cornered in more than one way. shaking my head, i could hear my own voice whisper "I'm sorry" over and over again like a chant.

"I don't care" Harlen screamed in my face, "It's over Cain, over!"

I stopped whispering. and just hid my face in my hands, staring in Harlen in disbelief and horror.

He stopped yelling and just looked at me, breathing rapidly, apparently trying to control himself. "I don't love you anymore, Cain" he said calmly "And right now, im not sure i ever did"

i couldent move a muscle, and it took what seemed for ever before i was even able to blink. did time just freeze?

But no such luck. Harlen shad just been trapped in the same spell as me, but broke it just as sudden. as he just looked at me with sorrowfull eyes and turned and left, leaving me to my tears and regret.

I had hoped to find whatever it was Harlen was hanging on to and bring it out. making him stay, but now i understood, it was a memory, a fantasy that had made him stay. someting that i had broken long ago. and that was beoynd repair. I heard his steps across the wooden floor towards the door, and the rustle of metal as he put the keys down by the phone, i told myself i could hear him sniffle, and then there was just the awful sound of the door going, and finally slamming behind him.

Harlen was gone.

I slept for an hour, and then got up, making myself a strong drink and then i called Harlen, i knew i shouldent, but right now i missed him so much i couldent breathe, but he didnt pick up, my call just transferred to voice mail. But as i heard his voice laugh on the recorded message, saying that this was his phone and he werent arsed with picking up, all my reasons crumbled, and when the beep sounded i couldent remember what i had wanted to say so i just mumbled "Harlen, I love you, be safe" but i didnt hang up, i stood with the phone for a moment, composing myself. but the time i had to recond ran out. and i didnt get to say more.

-TBC-

-outtakes-