You always were the one to show me how

Back then I couldn’t do the things that I can do now.

This is slowly taking me apart.

Grey would be the colour if I had a heart.

I just want something I can never have.

In this place it seems like such a same.

Though it all looks different now,

I know it’s still the same

Everywhere I look you’re all I see.

Just a fading fucking reminder of who I used to be.

NIN – something I can never have.

5. Something I can never have.

That whole day turned out awkward, Tseng made himself busy, and Reno felt like he was being pushed aside, for reasons he didn’t understand, after all, it had been Tseng that had initiated it all, he had started touching him, not the other way around, so why was it Reno who had to sulk about and feel guilty?

The police had told him that he would be able to get back into his apartment tomorrow that meant he would be homeless for one more night. But would not sleep over at Tseng's again, that would be too weird, maybe he should call Rude, but on the other hand, if he found something with Elena then he shouldn’t butt in. Looked like he would have to either ask Tifa or hit the clubs.

His phone buzzed and he saw the caller id was Tseng, he was close to not answering, but in the end he picked up. “Yeah?”

“Where are you at?” Tseng asked. “They found Vanja, and it seems he has a very unhealthy diet.”

Reno sighed, “Won’t this shit ever end man?”

“Look Reno, could you give me a lift?” Tseng said, sounding very strange.

“Sure,” Reno said “I will meet you out in the parking lot in five.”

“Deal,” Tseng said and hung up.

Reno turned off the computer at the station and walked outside in the bloody rain, towards his car, he saw Tseng coming out on the parking lot from another door, and walked straight to him, they nodded to each other as they got into Reno’s car, Tseng handed him a note with the address on and they took off.

“I know this is a bad time and all,” Tseng said fiddling with his special agent badge, “but we need to talk.”

“About what?” Reno said acidly, “about you fondling me and then act like a damn frigid bitch?”

“I deserved that,” Tseng said softly. “You see, I never, I don’t..” he took a deep breath, “I never kissed a man before alright? And I didn’t plan on starting now.”

“Ah” Reno said, “So you just wanted to test that on the lonely fruit?” he ground his teeth in anger and sped the car up, “Thank you, I appreciate being your doormat”

“It was not like that,” Tseng said, “I am not going to lie, I know about you and Strife, but that was not the reason why I kissed you, I honestly don’t know why I did that.”

Reno slowed the car down a little and turned his head and looked at Tseng, who looked utterly lost. “So you knew about Cloud? And yet you tried to make me tell you who called me, you already knew, you fuck.”

“I only suspected it was him, but yes, I needed you to tell me about it,” Tseng said.

“Why?” Reno said, suddenly getting a very chilling feeling of paranoia, something was way off here. “Why the hell should you care about my private telephone conversations?”

“I spoke with Rufus last night, and I think is only fair to tell you this, but you see you were set on this mission, because Rufus has a reason to believe that whoever is doing these murders, are renegade SOLDIER, or paid by them.”

“What the fuck?” Reno howled, “Are you telling me that Rufus Shin-ra thinks that Cloud has something to do with all this?”

“Yes,” Tseng said. “Just think about it for a moment, for how long has Strife been gone?”

“Too long” Reno just growled. “Don’t give me that shit Tseng, he have nothing to do with it.”

“I am sorry, but I cant just leave it be, not when Rufus Shin-ra believes that he, uhm is capable of this” Tseng glared at Reno “and neither can you.”

Reno stopped the car, and stared off into the little rivers of rain that ran down the front window of the car, he wanted to scream and yell, every fibre in him felt a tantrum coming on, but he just answered in a very flat voice “No I can’t,” he closed his eyes and leaned his head back on the headrest of the car seat, “Ask Tifa, maybe she will know something I don’t.”

“You mean she’s still in Midgar?” Tseng said as he laid a comforting hand on Reno’s shoulder.

Reno nodded. “She is, she is taking care of his business and those brats they adopted, Denzil and Marlena”

“I take it you don’t want to talk with her,” Tseng said, trying to put himself in Reno’s place.

“You are absolutely fucking right about that one, partner” Reno said acidly. “But I will go if I must.”

Tseng sighed, “all I know is that Rufus Shin-ra wants to speak with you, but we need to go see this crime scene first.”

“Okay,” Reno said, “I need to straighten out my priorities I guess, and apparently love is not one of them,” he mumbled to himself as he started up the car again, and drove to the crime scene.

They arrived just as the sun set, and this damn abandoned house didn’t have any electricity, and once again Reno sent a silent prayer to who ever it was that decided that they all was assigned flash lights. Side by side with Tseng he walked up the stairs of the abandoned house, the paint was badly chipped, and the whole place smelled of decay. “This was once an insane asylum,” Tseng whispered.

“Alright I really didn’t need to know that,” Reno whispered back. “Next you’re gonna tell me this place is friggin haunted right?”

“Well, the story has it that..” Tseng started.

“Shut up,” Reno said with a little nervous smile, as they finally stood on the third floor. They could hear people talking in hushed voices further down the corridor, and as they came out on the main corridor they could see flashlights. Then an officer called, “Are any of you Special Agent Reno Vaughan?”

“Yes, I am” Reno said and stepped up to the officer.

“uhm..” the officer said “you should see this.” and then he led Reno and Tseng further down the hall and into a little room with tiles on the walls.

“I take it that is Vanja,” Tseng said.

“I take it you are right,” The officer said. “But look at this” he flashed the cone of light on the wall, and there was side by side, a poster of a missing child, Elvira Mitchell, 12 years old.

Reno counted in his head as he looked at the posters. “Tseng?” he asked with a little shaking voice “there are twelve copies.”

Tseng counted the posters and came to the same conclusion, “Grab one, lets see what it says.”

Reno reached out and grabbed a poster of Elvira, turning it around and read. ‘Don’t worry Reno, I will be home soon.’ Reno dropped the note and his flashlight. “No, this is a joke man..” he grabbed the next poster and pulled it down, from the light of his flashlight on the floor, he could see that this note said exactly the same. “Shit, shit, shit!” Reno whimpered.

“Are you alright there, agent Vaughan?” A young female officer said, as she handed him his flashlight.

Reno wanted to scream in her face that he was not fucking alright, but instead he cleared his throat and said “I’m just peachy, miss.”

Tseng looked at Reno with a raised brow before he brought the light down on Vanja who was displayed on a old hospital bed, with a steady hand he opened the dead boy’s mouth, “he suffocated” he said, “someone stuffed cloth down his throat.”

Reno’s head reeled, this was like living a nightmare, and he only heard half of what Tseng said. Here it was, the killers opinion in twelve copies, just like he had asked, he couldn't help but to feel guilty for this poor kids tragic ending, maybe he had been alive if he had just kept his bloody mouth shut.

__________________________

As Tseng and Reno sat in the car again, Reno was silent, they drove back to Tseng’s place and Reno stopped the car but didn’t move to get out. Tseng looked worried and said “Reno? Listen I think its best if you come with me, you look like you are about to faint.”

“Do you think that kid would have been alive if I hadn’t said that stupid shit to the guy in the shanty town?” Reno said with a tiny voice.

“No,” Tseng said as he shook his head. “He only did this to scare you away, he doesn’t want anybody from Shin-ra to poke about, that’s all.”

“But..” Reno said swallowing hard, searching his pocket for a cigarette, “the note, Tseng. He could not have known, how should he?”

Tseng looked even more worried as Reno shook so much on his hand that he was not able to light his cigarette, Tseng took the lighter from him, and lit it for him, earning him a grateful smile. “Know what Reno?” he said with an insisting voice “what are you not telling me?”

“It was exactly what Cloud told me on the voice message.” Reno croaked, as he had fought the urge to have a hysterical fit for hours, he leaned in over the steering wheel and wept. And Tseng could do nothing but rub circles on Reno’s back, Tseng had seen Reno kill men without even blinking, taking men and women out in cold blood, he had seen him covered in his enemies guts and whatnot, but he had never seen him cry, this had to shake him up pretty bad, maybe even worse than Tseng could even comprehend, after all it seemed like he was forced to choose between his love and his oath to the Shin-ra corporation, and his obligation to Rufus.

As his crying died down, Reno wiped his face in his sleeve and rolled down the window and tossed the cigarette butt, immediately searching for another cigarette in his pocket. “I still have the message,” he said barely audible, flipping open the phone finding the message and handing the phone over to Tseng.

Tseng listened to Cloud’s voice. And then handed the phone over to Reno, “You realise that you have to take this information to Shin-ra, right?”

Reno nodded, “don’t worry, I will! I swore to never let anything bad happen to Rufus, and I will die keeping that promise, you know that.”

“I am not questioning your motives Reno, you know I’d never do that.” Tseng said, inwardly happy that this had not turned ugly.

Reno turned to Tseng and looked him right in his eyes “If Cloud is truly capable of this, its a Cloud I have never met.”

Tseng smiled and nodded “I believe you” he said, “now come, the couch is yours.”

Reno nodded and followed Tseng. Much later as he lay on the sofa he couldn't sleep, not because he was horny as the last time, but because he couldn't stop worrying, he was sure someone tried to frame Cloud, but this only meant he had to work harder to get to the bottom of it, and it also meant that he would have to talk to Tifa tomorrow, before he went to speak with Rufus Shin-ra. He sat up and grabbed his phone, dialling Clouds number as he walked over to the window and looked at Midgar in the dark. The voice message came on, and Reno whispered “Cloud? Please pick up your phone, I really need to speak with you, I have to go and interrogate Tifa in the morning, I wish you were here, then none of this would have happened, this is just so fucked up” he leaned his head against the cool glass and whispered “I miss you” and just as he was about to hang up he took a deep breath and whispered into the phone “Was it me? Did I scare you away? I didn’t mean to,” he laughed softly “or maybe I wouldn't have, but I would now. maybe I was just so much in love with you that I didn’t see the danger signs, what I am trying to say is that.. “ Reno cleared his throat “I don’t really know what I am trying to say, I don’t know anything anymore, please call me, please Cloud its important” and then he hung up with a single press of his finger and dropped the phone on the plush carpet. He could feel more tears pressing in, but he had told himself he wouldn't cry, he could do this, he was a turk for fucks sake, they didn’t cry, he had never seen Rude cry, or Tseng cry.. Even Elena!

Tseng woke as Reno whispered in the phone, and later as he cried softly, but he just rolled over and pulled the blanket over his head, deciding that this was a private matter for Reno.

_________________________________________

The next day Reno seemed to have perked up, even if he had some massive sacks under his eyes, indicating that he had not slept at all, but he seemed the normal Reno, bantering happily as he and Tseng had morning coffee. Even in the car as they were riding to Tifa’s tavern he seemed normal, like he knew exactly what his goal was, and Tseng would have believed him, had he not heard his whispering telephone conversation.

They got out of the car, and walked inside Tifa’s tavern, “He’s not here,” she said almost as an answering machine. But as she saw who the visitors were she stopped dead halt, “Reno” she said and nodded “Tseng, what is the purpose of this early visit?”

Reno smiled casually to Tifa, “we need to talk with you, nothing else.”

“Alright,” she said and jumped up on the bar, looking at the two men.

Tseng walked over to her and looked at her, “when was the last time you spoke with Cloud Strife?” he said.

“Ask him,” Tifa said and pointed at Reno, “He is properly the last one to have heard from him, I just take care of Strife enterprises, I don’t warm his bed too.”

“Well that was a wonderful little anecdote, but that was not what I asked, so lets try again, when was the last time ‘you’ spoke with him”? Tseng said dryly.

Tifa frowned, “lets see, it must have been Denzil’s birthday” she looked thoughtful “So four months.”

“Okay,” Tseng said, “was that over the phone or in person”?

“The phone, he called me.” Tifa said, not moving her glare from Reno, who stood with his arms crossed over his chest in the background.

“Alright, is there any record of this alleged telephone call?” Tseng said.

“No, I don’t keep records on private calls, mister,” Tifa sneered.

Tseng nodded. “When was the last time you saw him in person?”

“A month before that, so that must be five months ago”, Tifa said, finally looked away from Reno and back on Tseng. “Why?”

“Have you had any contact with any of your other friends, some that might know where Cloud would be?” Tseng said calmly.

“No,” Tifa said, Reno could tell that she lied, but decided not to call her on it, because they were not here to harass anybody, all he wanted was to find Cloud so he could proof that it was not he committing these murders.

Tseng turned to Reno, “I think we’re done.”

Reno nodded, but walked over to Tifa, “Tifa, I know this sounds strange coming from me and all, but if he does call, would you call me, its very important.”

“Of course,” Tifa lied with a smile.

Reno just frowned and nodded, following Tseng out of the tavern. Once in the car, Reno looked at Tseng and said “so what is the verdict?”

“She is lying her pretty little ass off” Tseng said,

“Yea” Reno agreed, “Lets just get this Rufus thing over with, shall we?”

Tseng nodded and drove them away, towards the Shin-ra headquarter.

TBC